However, somewhere along the way, I became...gasp...a hugger.
This is 2009's fault somehow. I think. I suppose it all started building way before that.
Ok, so, here are the kinds of hugs I remember. My Grandma Ruby, who always does the back pat while hugging, which is just kind of weird. As if she's consoling me of some tragedy despite it being July 4th, and in reality, we just had fruit salad without mortal incident. Boyfriend hugs, which were generally acceptable/nice. Girl hugs, which can be awkward (boobs.) Godfather hugs, ooh, they were rare but good. He is a bear of a man and smothers me in a great hug. Wedding hugs, they were never ending! How long is the line of people? Might as well just hug them all, even the teacher I hadn't seen for ages and the new family I'd never met before. Grooms can get by with a hand shake and a back pat, but brides must hug. It's a rule. If you're wearing a white dress, you MUST hug everyone and smile until your face hurts for a week.
In college, I acquired a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called "Peace Is Every Step." This is a very important book to me--a book full of simple wisdom, a book which always grounds and fortifies my soul. (Buy it for yourself used, it is common.) I have never read it all the way through, I just open to a random page and read one of the short entries in an attempt to integrate his solid advice into my own life.
Enter 2009. Pages flipping like a roulette wheel. I land on page 85, Hugging Meditation.
"Hugging is a beautiful Western custom, and we from the East would like to contribute the practice of conscious breathing to it. When you hold a child in your arms, or hug your mother, or your husband, or your friend, if you breathe in and out three times, your happiness will be multiplied at least tenfold."
I'll never forget where I was in that moment. I was in my bedroom at the lake, under the covers. Everyone was asleep, and I was reading with just the little light on and the window facing the lake open. The breeze smelled so pristine. The frogs were croaking. And I started really mulling this whole three breaths while hugging thing over, because let's face it, who doesn't want to multiply happiness tenfold.
"It takes time to become comfortable hugging this way. If you feel a little hollow inside, you may want to slap your friend's back while you hug him in order to prove that you are really there. But to be really there, you only need to breathe, and suddenly he becomes completely real. The two of you really exist in that moment. It may be one of the best moments of your life."
I set the book down and flopped back on the pillow, eyes closed. My mind blank, then perplexed, then blank again. Only a Virgo would have to read about how to hug in a book.
I thought of the back slapping while hugging times in my life. Gulp. And I asked myself if I was hollow inside. The answer was no, I'm not. I'm not hollow at all. But my wary and guarded nature can make me appear that way. How often had I cheated someone out of a real hug? How often had I cheated myself?! I decided then and there to commit myself to hugging like a real person. Hugging like I mean it. Because I do mean it.
I thought back to my Godfather. His hugs are so good because they are completely authentic. He never hugs out of obligation. He's looking for someone to hug at any moment. He just runs up and gets his big mitts around you and squeezes everything bad out. Then when he lets go...good rushes in. That is who I aspire to be: the reckless abandon hugger.
Ok, so, the rhinovirus. Well, I got that after our annual Halloween party this year. Why? Because I hugged everyone who came, most people more than once. Every single one was authentic. Totally worth the head cold. Can't wait to do it all over again next year.
